Are you a Scrooge? These are the three cheapest zodiac signs

Bah humbug! Tis the season to be jolly but if your spirit animal is more like Scrooge and less like Santa, you may be spreading spreading more jeer than cheer this holiday season.

As the holiday season fills us with the capitalist spirit of gift giving, money blowing and glad tiding, we are turning our attention to the zodiac’s resident spend thrifts, misers, penny pinchers, bargain basement dwellers, and belt tighteners.

In terms of astrological influences, the second house is associated with values and possessions, including but not limited to self-worth and cash monies. Within the birth chart, the sign that rules the second house and the planets that fall within it are both indicators of wealth or lack of it and illustrate our capacity for generosity.

Venus, planet of pretty things and earning potential indicates where and how we make our living, whether it is positively or negatively aspected can often point to whether someone is a tight wad or a benevolent god.

If your birth chart contains a heavy dose of one of the signs listed below, take heart. Cheapness is a choice, richness is a state of mind and in the immortal words of my broke but beloved Uncle Ron, “Money is like cows**t, if you keep it locked up all it will ever do is stink and make you scowl but if you spread it around, flowers are bound to grow.”

Spend it if you got it folks!

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Libras despise cheapness in others but are ever and always trying to get someone else to foot the bill for their frivolity. With their expensive tastes and allergic reaction to hard work, these people were born to be sugar babies and beneficiaries. While they rarely carry cash or spend it, they are always mysteriously decked out in finery without a line on their face or a burden on their shoulders. Gracious and entitled, good looking and well mannered, they leverage their likability and consider their charm a billable good. Spending time with them equals spending all of your money on them but for some, mainly the lonely and the lavish, the price is worth the privilege.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Capricorns are spartan spendthrifts who will count coins and clip coupons for years if necessary to afford a top of the line, ridiculously expensive, albeit built to last, luxury item. In terms of other people, sea goats are cheap with cash but flush with unsolicited criticism. Capricorns are preoccupied with preparing for the future through strategic saving and are never above using an expired gift card to pay for a first date. Risk averse and cost conscious they always have enough to lend but never enough to freely give. You better believe whatever loan twill come with interest charges and a paternalistic lecture about how a penny saved is a penny earned. Trust me when I say it’s better to be broke than in their debt.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Pisces people are not cheap because they want to be but because they are absolutely reckless with their own spending. They can never pay their share of the bill as they have usually overdrawn their account paying for experimental MDMA therapy, a poetry workshop they dropped out of, bubbles, a pyramid scheme, a plane ticket to see their married lover, or a charitable donation to a sanctuary for retired circus animals and or recovering child stars.

To their credit, Pisces people have a real talent for making themselves seem like the innocent victims of circumstances and are thus adept at swindling people out of money and into paying their way. They don’t mind appearing destitute as the wet eyed, starving artist look is their incontestable birth right. They are also absolutely shameless about taking charity from others, hand outs from strangers or trading nudes for a night out on the town. When the mood strikes and the invitation beckons, theirs is a suspect sort of generosity, apt as they are to show up late to a midsummer dinner party with a half empty bottle of holiday Irish Cream liquor and a shrug.

Astrology 101: Your guide to the stars

Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and irreverently reports back on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes integrate history, poetry, pop culture and personal experience. She is also an accomplished writer who has profiled a variety of artists and performers, as well as extensively chronicled her experiences while traveling. Among the many intriguing topics she has tackled are cemetery etiquette, her love for dive bars, Cuban Airbnbs, a “girls guide” to strip clubs and the “weirdest” foods available abroad.

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